Bad Mommy Moments #2

So I knew this day was coming and I was still unprepared, and completely shaken when it finally happened.

My kid is a mover and shaker now; not crawling, but surely keeping me and John on our toes. She has been "caught and "saved" many times. This evening, she was not so lucky.

She fell off the bed. With a thud.

I turned my back for a second...

Now don't get all judgmental with me. I'm not a bad or lazy parent. I have to put her somewhere when I'm preparing things, in this case a diaper. One second I tell you, not even two. She is almost seven months old and has never had such an incident. She was just too clever for me today.

She cried. Then she grumbled. Then she started to chat and giggle. I tugged on all her limbs, gently pressed on her skull, and she didn't make a peep. She doesn't have any bruises or bumps. She shouldn't have a concussion, my bed isn't that high. She didn't appear to be dizzy or disoriented. She didn't vomit or show any other signs of trauma. I called my husband. I called my mom. I googled concussions in babies. She is just as Astrid as she was before she fell. I just had a bad, horrible mommy moment.

Looks like the pack 'n play will be put to good use again.

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Separation Anxiety

I had the chance tonight to go out to a party. My husband wanted to dress me up, take me out and show me off. And I said no.

Let me backtrack. Last week after work, John asked me to go to his office Christmas party. He just started a new job and thought this would make a great impression. He asked me if I could get a friend to babysit; I was apprehensive, but agreed and filed the request away in the back of my mind. He never brought it up again. Until this morning, hours before the party.

Right away, it was a no-go.

Getting a babysitter last minute is probably really easy. I live in LA, where there are hundreds of caregivers in a five mile radius. Getting settled with the thoughts that I could go out and leave my baby behind is becoming/has become the hardest thing I have ever done. Leaving my Astrid is harder than my labor was. Maybe I'm watching too much TV ( I really need to stop watching Law & Order: SVU), but I'm scared of something happening. I know that's a natural feeling of new parents; however, my baby is my life.

In June of 2010, we decided to have a baby. With that realization, I changed my life. I have not had a drink since then. I don't smoke, but have known to take a puff or two in the past when I was feeling rebellious. Since then, the thought hasn't crossed my mind, and i get pissed people who smoke around me. I started living for her new life, being the mom I wanted to be. I could have eaten better, if we're throwing stones at all. I quit my job. I have a master's degree. I could be making at least 50k a year.

And all I want to do is be with her. At six months, she has maybe been away from me a total five hours. She only wants to be with me too- so we're made for each other. She has no problem being with other people, she's very sociable. Nevertheless, no one else can be mommy. She knows that, I know that, John wishes I would give in a little.

The second problem with going out is that I just don't feel like the same person. I weigh about the same, but my body somehow configured itself differently. I'm not feeling as sexy (yeah I went there!) as I use to. Most of my clothes don't fit. I haven't cared for my body as much as I use to, plus my hormones are still raging. This isn't a pity party for Antoinette, but I just can't see myself enjoying hors d'oeuvres at a Beverly Hills poolside. Guess I'm not "Hollywood" anymore.

So where do I go from here? My near future plans are to acquire a jogging stroller. I'm ready to get active again. I need to put some extra time into myself, like washing my face everyday, or maybe living in something other than sweatpants. I also need to get baby out and interacting with others when I'm not around. I know she feels loved and safe, and I don't want to shatter that security by just dropping her off for hours with no explanation. Starting out slow, for both of us, is the only way this is going to work. And not at night. It's the worst for her after 6pm, so no late date nights for me. At least not without baby.

This is not forever, just for a little longer. I've got my whole life ahead of me. Who needs baby-free time anyway?

Thanks for reading.


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6 Months, a little late

Note: This should have been posted December 2nd, but between my iPhone, my iPad, and my laptop, it got lost in the ether that is the Internet.

Yesterday my baby turned 6 months old. I know, I'm in shock too! We have been so busy being a family that I forgot all about this page. Also, I have been so busy being a student, I was starting to feel like a bad mom. So I'll make this short so I can get back to playing, feeding and diaper changing.

First, really good new. I finished my graduate program. Soon, hopefully in the next 2-3 weeks, I should have my diploma. Second, Astrid is amazingly smart and advanced in some of her development. She isn't crawling and she doesn't want to. She has started pulling herself up to stand, and almost achieving it. Soon she will have teeth and running!

Anyway, you didn't come here to read. You came to view pictures. Are are some great ones:

Panic

I witnessed my husband get soap in Astrid's eyes during her bath today. I didn't see how it happened but I saw the aftermath. All of a sudden she began to scream bloody murder and flail in her cute, pink baby tub. She thought she was dying. I thought she was dying. As my husband watched in horror, I quickly (but in slow motion) scooped her out of the tub and held her close to my body. She was soaking wet and finally calmed down. After examination I could see her eyes and face were red, which is how I deduced it was a soap issue. I gave small tugs on her extremities and placed her back in the tub. I left the bathroom to continue making dinner.

For a good 5 minutes I was furious with my husband. I was scared for my child, but not because my husband is incompetent or ruthless. She was and is still in very capable hands. I felt something I had never felt, a panic that I had not stopped the incident all together. In that moment, the protector in me wanted to hurt the person who had hurt my cub. And I write this to document that I, for a few fleeting moments, wanted to kill my husband and save my infant- preferably by ripping his throat out. That moment is gone, thank goodness. Our happy family is fine.


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BFFs

My poor husband puts up with a lot of stuff. He copes with the fact that his wife, at any moment, could make some new decree and he would have to just deal with it. He does not challenge me just planning trips/events with my friends on a whim; or that maybe tomorrow I will stop eating cheese and so will he. He accepts that my social activism will sometimes get in the way of his misogynistic, dominantly white culture thoughts, and that if I had my way, we would stop using gas before the whole world collapses due to a peak oil crises. He will unwilling watch the news with me, and keep quiet when I start to yell at the tv in disdain. He puts up with the fact that I put up with a lot of things he loves (like this podcast he constantly listens to that I deem so dumb I don't know why anyone listens to it). I love my husband for his acceptance of things he can not control in me.

However, it saddens me to see him put up with the fact that Astrid and I are new best friends. Most of the time, he and she gets along right as rain. But occasionally, all she wants is mommy. Take last night for instance.

I wasn't feeling well do to a bad eating decision on my part earlier in the day. By the evening, I had stomach cramps and was in and out of the bathroom every 10 minutes. I couldn't hold or play with Astrid the way I wanted and would pass her off onto John. And she would cry. So much so that he started hanging out in the bathroom doorway so she could at least see me (talk about lack of privacy).

What saddens me most about all of this is that it makes him sad. He wants to be a part of the Scully BFF club too. We all know it's temporary and it doesn't even happen all the time; but it still makes for awkward moments and uncomfortable situations. I can't be the only parent and Astrid is slowly (and painfully) figuring that out. I can say it has gotten tremendously better over the past few weeks. Before, she would cry almost every time he held her. Now, it's just when she's extremely tired at night. Unfortunately that is major daddy time, when I get to shower off the caked on baby messes of the day or work on my master's coursework which has a deadline quickly approaching.

As I said it's temporary. She's young. For someone who has lived a large portion of her life attached to me, literally, I assume that time away feels like an eternity. I know she is always wondering why I ever put her down. Sometimes, it's just so her daddy can hold her.


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Emergency Dentist Appointments

Today, John and I both got to be stay at home moms. (That makes me giggle a bit.) I had to get a tooth pulled and was worried about the aftereffects. This gave John the day off to take care of both of his girls. So besides the running around, nausea, seeing my dentist and being referred to an oral surgeon, vomiting in not one but TWO parking lots, and the pain I had been in for almost three days, watching John have daytime fun with Astrid was delightful. He only gets nights and weekends with her, which are not always her fun times. She is a crier at night but a giggler during the day. Today, he got to do a lot of giggling too.






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Bad Mommy Moments #1

So I wanted this to also be a learning experience I could look back on, hopefully without embarrassment. So occasionally (I hope) I wanted to share some events that were probably not good judgment on my part. Sometimes it seems to work out just fine for me and my little one. Sometimes, it's really just a bad mommy moment.

Keeping Baby Nails Trimmed




During all of our parenting classes and even during a tour of the hospital, they told each of us to bring nail clippers for our new infant. The hospital staff are not allowed to trim baby's nails, commenting that it's some type of "invasive procedure." During our Infant Care Class, the instructor told us point blank that we would nick their fingers occasionally. It's just something parents have to do. My mother later suggested biting them off, because you would be able to feel your boundaries a little bit better than with metal shears. I decided that would be my only way of grooming Astrid's tiny fingers.

Astrid does not like her hands in my mouth, especially when she realizes I'm messing with her nails. This has been this way since birth. I tried a different tactic of pulling at the soft nails until they ripped off. She doesn't like that either. It doesn't hurt, just annoys. Only once have I resorted to clipping her nails because she scratched her face and we were worried the next time would be worse. Mind you, one of us had to hold her while the other did the clipping.

"Why not wait until she is asleep? Then she won't even know." Yeah right. She knows. As I tug on her hand to clip or trim or bite away her claws, she pulls back- asleep or not. Finally, I gave up. I stopped fighting her.

Results?
She has beautiful, long nails. And no scratches on her face. Turns out babies, at least mine, can adjust. When she is griping my arm or hand, she digs in with her nails no worries. When it hurts, I loosen her grip. She also flails in and swipes at her face when agitated (during sleep and awake times). However, she never scratches her face. (She scratches mine though.)

I still get a little worried that my child may scratch her corneas; but it's been at least a month and she has grown into her hands with grace. This moment didn't turn out too bad.



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