Separation Anxiety

I had the chance tonight to go out to a party. My husband wanted to dress me up, take me out and show me off. And I said no.

Let me backtrack. Last week after work, John asked me to go to his office Christmas party. He just started a new job and thought this would make a great impression. He asked me if I could get a friend to babysit; I was apprehensive, but agreed and filed the request away in the back of my mind. He never brought it up again. Until this morning, hours before the party.

Right away, it was a no-go.

Getting a babysitter last minute is probably really easy. I live in LA, where there are hundreds of caregivers in a five mile radius. Getting settled with the thoughts that I could go out and leave my baby behind is becoming/has become the hardest thing I have ever done. Leaving my Astrid is harder than my labor was. Maybe I'm watching too much TV ( I really need to stop watching Law & Order: SVU), but I'm scared of something happening. I know that's a natural feeling of new parents; however, my baby is my life.

In June of 2010, we decided to have a baby. With that realization, I changed my life. I have not had a drink since then. I don't smoke, but have known to take a puff or two in the past when I was feeling rebellious. Since then, the thought hasn't crossed my mind, and i get pissed people who smoke around me. I started living for her new life, being the mom I wanted to be. I could have eaten better, if we're throwing stones at all. I quit my job. I have a master's degree. I could be making at least 50k a year.

And all I want to do is be with her. At six months, she has maybe been away from me a total five hours. She only wants to be with me too- so we're made for each other. She has no problem being with other people, she's very sociable. Nevertheless, no one else can be mommy. She knows that, I know that, John wishes I would give in a little.

The second problem with going out is that I just don't feel like the same person. I weigh about the same, but my body somehow configured itself differently. I'm not feeling as sexy (yeah I went there!) as I use to. Most of my clothes don't fit. I haven't cared for my body as much as I use to, plus my hormones are still raging. This isn't a pity party for Antoinette, but I just can't see myself enjoying hors d'oeuvres at a Beverly Hills poolside. Guess I'm not "Hollywood" anymore.

So where do I go from here? My near future plans are to acquire a jogging stroller. I'm ready to get active again. I need to put some extra time into myself, like washing my face everyday, or maybe living in something other than sweatpants. I also need to get baby out and interacting with others when I'm not around. I know she feels loved and safe, and I don't want to shatter that security by just dropping her off for hours with no explanation. Starting out slow, for both of us, is the only way this is going to work. And not at night. It's the worst for her after 6pm, so no late date nights for me. At least not without baby.

This is not forever, just for a little longer. I've got my whole life ahead of me. Who needs baby-free time anyway?

Thanks for reading.


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