Bad Mommy Moments #2

So I knew this day was coming and I was still unprepared, and completely shaken when it finally happened.

My kid is a mover and shaker now; not crawling, but surely keeping me and John on our toes. She has been "caught and "saved" many times. This evening, she was not so lucky.

She fell off the bed. With a thud.

I turned my back for a second...

Now don't get all judgmental with me. I'm not a bad or lazy parent. I have to put her somewhere when I'm preparing things, in this case a diaper. One second I tell you, not even two. She is almost seven months old and has never had such an incident. She was just too clever for me today.

She cried. Then she grumbled. Then she started to chat and giggle. I tugged on all her limbs, gently pressed on her skull, and she didn't make a peep. She doesn't have any bruises or bumps. She shouldn't have a concussion, my bed isn't that high. She didn't appear to be dizzy or disoriented. She didn't vomit or show any other signs of trauma. I called my husband. I called my mom. I googled concussions in babies. She is just as Astrid as she was before she fell. I just had a bad, horrible mommy moment.

Looks like the pack 'n play will be put to good use again.

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Separation Anxiety

I had the chance tonight to go out to a party. My husband wanted to dress me up, take me out and show me off. And I said no.

Let me backtrack. Last week after work, John asked me to go to his office Christmas party. He just started a new job and thought this would make a great impression. He asked me if I could get a friend to babysit; I was apprehensive, but agreed and filed the request away in the back of my mind. He never brought it up again. Until this morning, hours before the party.

Right away, it was a no-go.

Getting a babysitter last minute is probably really easy. I live in LA, where there are hundreds of caregivers in a five mile radius. Getting settled with the thoughts that I could go out and leave my baby behind is becoming/has become the hardest thing I have ever done. Leaving my Astrid is harder than my labor was. Maybe I'm watching too much TV ( I really need to stop watching Law & Order: SVU), but I'm scared of something happening. I know that's a natural feeling of new parents; however, my baby is my life.

In June of 2010, we decided to have a baby. With that realization, I changed my life. I have not had a drink since then. I don't smoke, but have known to take a puff or two in the past when I was feeling rebellious. Since then, the thought hasn't crossed my mind, and i get pissed people who smoke around me. I started living for her new life, being the mom I wanted to be. I could have eaten better, if we're throwing stones at all. I quit my job. I have a master's degree. I could be making at least 50k a year.

And all I want to do is be with her. At six months, she has maybe been away from me a total five hours. She only wants to be with me too- so we're made for each other. She has no problem being with other people, she's very sociable. Nevertheless, no one else can be mommy. She knows that, I know that, John wishes I would give in a little.

The second problem with going out is that I just don't feel like the same person. I weigh about the same, but my body somehow configured itself differently. I'm not feeling as sexy (yeah I went there!) as I use to. Most of my clothes don't fit. I haven't cared for my body as much as I use to, plus my hormones are still raging. This isn't a pity party for Antoinette, but I just can't see myself enjoying hors d'oeuvres at a Beverly Hills poolside. Guess I'm not "Hollywood" anymore.

So where do I go from here? My near future plans are to acquire a jogging stroller. I'm ready to get active again. I need to put some extra time into myself, like washing my face everyday, or maybe living in something other than sweatpants. I also need to get baby out and interacting with others when I'm not around. I know she feels loved and safe, and I don't want to shatter that security by just dropping her off for hours with no explanation. Starting out slow, for both of us, is the only way this is going to work. And not at night. It's the worst for her after 6pm, so no late date nights for me. At least not without baby.

This is not forever, just for a little longer. I've got my whole life ahead of me. Who needs baby-free time anyway?

Thanks for reading.


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6 Months, a little late

Note: This should have been posted December 2nd, but between my iPhone, my iPad, and my laptop, it got lost in the ether that is the Internet.

Yesterday my baby turned 6 months old. I know, I'm in shock too! We have been so busy being a family that I forgot all about this page. Also, I have been so busy being a student, I was starting to feel like a bad mom. So I'll make this short so I can get back to playing, feeding and diaper changing.

First, really good new. I finished my graduate program. Soon, hopefully in the next 2-3 weeks, I should have my diploma. Second, Astrid is amazingly smart and advanced in some of her development. She isn't crawling and she doesn't want to. She has started pulling herself up to stand, and almost achieving it. Soon she will have teeth and running!

Anyway, you didn't come here to read. You came to view pictures. Are are some great ones:

Panic

I witnessed my husband get soap in Astrid's eyes during her bath today. I didn't see how it happened but I saw the aftermath. All of a sudden she began to scream bloody murder and flail in her cute, pink baby tub. She thought she was dying. I thought she was dying. As my husband watched in horror, I quickly (but in slow motion) scooped her out of the tub and held her close to my body. She was soaking wet and finally calmed down. After examination I could see her eyes and face were red, which is how I deduced it was a soap issue. I gave small tugs on her extremities and placed her back in the tub. I left the bathroom to continue making dinner.

For a good 5 minutes I was furious with my husband. I was scared for my child, but not because my husband is incompetent or ruthless. She was and is still in very capable hands. I felt something I had never felt, a panic that I had not stopped the incident all together. In that moment, the protector in me wanted to hurt the person who had hurt my cub. And I write this to document that I, for a few fleeting moments, wanted to kill my husband and save my infant- preferably by ripping his throat out. That moment is gone, thank goodness. Our happy family is fine.


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BFFs

My poor husband puts up with a lot of stuff. He copes with the fact that his wife, at any moment, could make some new decree and he would have to just deal with it. He does not challenge me just planning trips/events with my friends on a whim; or that maybe tomorrow I will stop eating cheese and so will he. He accepts that my social activism will sometimes get in the way of his misogynistic, dominantly white culture thoughts, and that if I had my way, we would stop using gas before the whole world collapses due to a peak oil crises. He will unwilling watch the news with me, and keep quiet when I start to yell at the tv in disdain. He puts up with the fact that I put up with a lot of things he loves (like this podcast he constantly listens to that I deem so dumb I don't know why anyone listens to it). I love my husband for his acceptance of things he can not control in me.

However, it saddens me to see him put up with the fact that Astrid and I are new best friends. Most of the time, he and she gets along right as rain. But occasionally, all she wants is mommy. Take last night for instance.

I wasn't feeling well do to a bad eating decision on my part earlier in the day. By the evening, I had stomach cramps and was in and out of the bathroom every 10 minutes. I couldn't hold or play with Astrid the way I wanted and would pass her off onto John. And she would cry. So much so that he started hanging out in the bathroom doorway so she could at least see me (talk about lack of privacy).

What saddens me most about all of this is that it makes him sad. He wants to be a part of the Scully BFF club too. We all know it's temporary and it doesn't even happen all the time; but it still makes for awkward moments and uncomfortable situations. I can't be the only parent and Astrid is slowly (and painfully) figuring that out. I can say it has gotten tremendously better over the past few weeks. Before, she would cry almost every time he held her. Now, it's just when she's extremely tired at night. Unfortunately that is major daddy time, when I get to shower off the caked on baby messes of the day or work on my master's coursework which has a deadline quickly approaching.

As I said it's temporary. She's young. For someone who has lived a large portion of her life attached to me, literally, I assume that time away feels like an eternity. I know she is always wondering why I ever put her down. Sometimes, it's just so her daddy can hold her.


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Emergency Dentist Appointments

Today, John and I both got to be stay at home moms. (That makes me giggle a bit.) I had to get a tooth pulled and was worried about the aftereffects. This gave John the day off to take care of both of his girls. So besides the running around, nausea, seeing my dentist and being referred to an oral surgeon, vomiting in not one but TWO parking lots, and the pain I had been in for almost three days, watching John have daytime fun with Astrid was delightful. He only gets nights and weekends with her, which are not always her fun times. She is a crier at night but a giggler during the day. Today, he got to do a lot of giggling too.






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Bad Mommy Moments #1

So I wanted this to also be a learning experience I could look back on, hopefully without embarrassment. So occasionally (I hope) I wanted to share some events that were probably not good judgment on my part. Sometimes it seems to work out just fine for me and my little one. Sometimes, it's really just a bad mommy moment.

Keeping Baby Nails Trimmed




During all of our parenting classes and even during a tour of the hospital, they told each of us to bring nail clippers for our new infant. The hospital staff are not allowed to trim baby's nails, commenting that it's some type of "invasive procedure." During our Infant Care Class, the instructor told us point blank that we would nick their fingers occasionally. It's just something parents have to do. My mother later suggested biting them off, because you would be able to feel your boundaries a little bit better than with metal shears. I decided that would be my only way of grooming Astrid's tiny fingers.

Astrid does not like her hands in my mouth, especially when she realizes I'm messing with her nails. This has been this way since birth. I tried a different tactic of pulling at the soft nails until they ripped off. She doesn't like that either. It doesn't hurt, just annoys. Only once have I resorted to clipping her nails because she scratched her face and we were worried the next time would be worse. Mind you, one of us had to hold her while the other did the clipping.

"Why not wait until she is asleep? Then she won't even know." Yeah right. She knows. As I tug on her hand to clip or trim or bite away her claws, she pulls back- asleep or not. Finally, I gave up. I stopped fighting her.

Results?
She has beautiful, long nails. And no scratches on her face. Turns out babies, at least mine, can adjust. When she is griping my arm or hand, she digs in with her nails no worries. When it hurts, I loosen her grip. She also flails in and swipes at her face when agitated (during sleep and awake times). However, she never scratches her face. (She scratches mine though.)

I still get a little worried that my child may scratch her corneas; but it's been at least a month and she has grown into her hands with grace. This moment didn't turn out too bad.



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3 Months

So it's been about 3 months since we brought Astrid home from the hospital. Things get more and more interesting every day. New mannerisms seem to happen every minute sometimes. Here are some of the things she has achieved since we last checked in:

*hold her head up straight and steady (2 1/2 months)

*grip things (about 2 months)

*talking baby talk (1 month)

*pushing up on her legs ( 3 weeks)

*recognizing her name and looking at you when you call her (3 months)

*picking up things (2 months)

*holding her head up while laying on her stomach

*rolling over on her back while laying on her stomach

*blowing bubbles

But I know what you're all here for- the pictures. Here you go.

Build a Bunny- first toy (made while in mommy's belly)

Loving on Jeca's home made blanket

All dressed up

Smiling with mommy

Sleeping in the car

Bath time fun

Teething ring time

Sad day! Heat rash

Look what I can eat!

Sleeping on the Job

My Plan "B" Baby

Disclaimer: This will be a very long blog.

It has been a long and exciting three weeks.

Astrid will turn three weeks on Wednesday and life is pretty good. But she didn't get here by any of my plans or expectations. Nothing about my pregnancy was as I expected. I was told that having a birthing plan was a joke, but I was going to at least try to be prepared. She was suppose to be born as natural as possible- with no drugs and to come on her own. That is not what happened at all....

On Tuesday the 31, one day and week after my due date, I was induced at 6am. My doctor didn't want the chance of her being too big or worse, my body starting to break down before the pregnancy was over. She was estimated to be about six pounds, so I wasn't worried about her getting too big. I wasn't too excited about the idea of induction, but I had also seen the hurt a lost pregnancy can cause. That was something I wanted even less and was willing to take my chances. Since I was given an medications to speed up my labor, I was bed ridden the moment I got to the hospital. I couldn't walk around and was hooked up to monitor the whole time, even when going to the bathroom (something I had to do often). At first, the drugs weren't so bad and I could take the contractions. My pain threshold is a little higher than moderate, so I can take a lot before I am worn out or ask to stop. As an example, for those who don't like needles or pain, I gave each nurse that tried to give me an IV line three chances. None of them took my challenge, but it took three different nurses one try each to get an IV in my hand. And it hurt but I dealt with it. So when my contractions finally started to come, I dealt with it...

...for 8 hours. Some women don't even labor for that long. By the time it was 3 in the afternoon, my contractions where three minutes apart and had been for at least the last three hours. I was in a lot of pain, the worse I had ever experienced. We had taken child-birthing classes, so I knew how to breathe and what to expect from the delivery. John and I had also discussed why we would or would not get pain medication, it being a worse case scenario. However, I had gotten to the point of trying to claw myself out of the bed every three minutes. My poor husband had to watch me suffer for what felt like forever. Eventually I would just moan and cry "help me", because I was in too much pain to do anything else. By the third time I was checked for dilation and had not made any progress, I was begging for an epidural. And I got one.

I was really scared while the anesthesiologist was doing his thing. I had heard or read so much about how this was the worst thing to do, EVER, that I had all the horrible things running through my head. My husband was told to step back away from me and he couldn't even hold my hand. And just because I was getting an epidural didn't mean the pain was gone. The anesthesiologist told me not to move, but I was still having severe contractions. The nurse stepped in and talked me through the last few contractions I had to feel and for the most part, held me down. Then, after about 20 minutes, all went numb. And I fell asleep.

Periodically, a nurse would wake me and check my dilation. Since I could rest, my body started to respond to the labor. By 8pm, I was six centimeters; at 11, I had dilated completely to ten centimeters. At 11, I could have started pushing, but I wanted Astrid to be born on June 1st, which was still at least an hour away. The nurse obliged and let me rest until a quarter till midnight. Then the pushing started. At about 12:20, my doctor was called and told to come back to the hospital. Yes, you read that right and I didn't know this until I was in the situation. You start pushing BEFORE your doctor arrives, since most of what s/he will do is catch. My doctor showed up and I continued to push. At 1:03am, Astrid was born and all the excitement started.

My late night/early morning concluded with a microwavable Cup-a-Soup and a short

introduction to my daughter. Then, I went to bed. When I awoke later in the morning around 8, I was surprised that no one had brought Astrid back to our recovery room. I began to get worried and had John go to investigate. He came back to let me know that Astrid needed to

be put on a little oxygen, her color was a little pale. I was in intense pain from the delivery so I waited for a nurse to come and help me with the morning after recovery routine (including going to the bathroom). Soon after, I waddled down to the nursey.

Poor Astrid, she was under a heat lamp and her head in a clear plastic "box" that was giving her extra oxygen. And poor me, because after 10 minutes out of bed, I started to get dizzy and almost passed out (worrying about my baby had made me completely forget the ordeal that I had just gone through). I was helped back to bed and waited for the pediatrician to come and talk to us. Once she did, we were told that Astrid needed to be transferred to another hospital with better Neonatal facilities, because of the oxygen worries. Astrid was picked up by 2pm.

Do I stay and recover? Do I check out and make sure I can be with my baby? It was hard to decided but I left my hospital at 7pm that day, hours after I had been in labor for 18 hours. I saw Astrid again at 8, in an incubator and hooked up to wires. She also had an IV in her hand because she was given anti-biotics. It was quite scary, since she wasn't even 24 hours old yet.

She was in the hospital for seven days, just long enough to bother me. Well, too long for me. After a few days, she no longer needed oxygen and was just finishing the anti-bolic regiment, which is why she needed the IV. We would visit her twice a day to feed and be with her. Adjusting to being a parent of a child in the critical care unit was overwhelming and sometimes too much for me. Thank goodness I have such a strong husband and my parents where here. I think I would have been a complete reck if I hadn't been able to be with my mother.

She arrived home on her one week "birthday". It was great to ride home with her sleeping in

the car and then being held and cuddled by the grandmas. That was all the fun. Soon, we had to get into a rythm and figure out what it meant to be parents. We had missed a whole week of her life and she needed to get use to us as much as we needed to get use to her. The biggest thing now is lack of sleep. Best way around that? Sleep when she sleeps. You can'talways, but it helps to try.

The hospital seems like it was the hardest thing to overcome. Being a mom feels like second nature. New things I have discovered:

1. My baby is very pale. Her skin is very red or pink and sometimes I worry that I have hurt her because of her color. You don't have to worry about that with darker babies, their skin does not leave red marks when you pick them up or put them down.

2. It is really difficult to wake her up. She doesn't just wake up when you make noise, it takes her at least ten minutes to stretch her way out of slumber.

3. I am really tired and cranky at 2:30 am if I have only slept for 4 hours.

4. All I want to do is be mommy to Astrid.

My plan "B" baby has been the greatest gift I could have been given, or made, depending on how you look at it. She has single-handedly improved my already great marriage and is the center of my world right now. I'm still learning about her (like how long to wait after she poops to know she is done, but before she starts to cry because she is uncomfortable or what each cry even means) and she is surly trying to figure me out. She is the new love of my life (sorry John).

More post to come.

Judgement Day

Tomorrow morning at 6am PST, I am set to be induced. I'm not really looking forward to it, but we're at the point where my body just isn't doing what it's suppose to be doing. It is protecting my baby and has been a very good house for her to grow in. However, it's time to come out and I need some help with that.

My husband and I wanted the most natural hospital birth you could have, no drugs and NO INDUCTION. We waited and waited for my body to react to being 40 weeks. We waited for it to notice I had hit 41 weeks, and that all those painful false labor contractions were doing what they were suppose to be doing. My doctor, however, said it isn't safe to wait too much longer.

I learned during my pregnancy that placentas, the life source between me and my baby, have a shelf life. That life ends around 42 weeks of pregnancy. Sometimes, placentas die before the baby is born, sometimes they stop working as well. A year and a half ago, my sister lost her first child due to her placenta detaching before the baby was born. It is a scary experience to live through and very emotional to deal with. I have been dealing with it mentally ever since I got pregnant, it just adds to the normal fears of pregnancy. You can't stop it from happening and you can't predict if it will happen to you. It's scary and I have been scared the last 41 weeks. But tomorrow it should all change, the fear should dissipate.

So how do I feel about the induction? I'm scared. Scared of the pain and the unknown. Scared that it will tire me out and makes me too weak to push. Scared I will have to get a C-Section. Scared I'll never get to meet my baby. I know this seems melodramatic but these are my fears.

Nevertheless, I have a great support system. My husband has become the light at the end of the tunnel. He as been amazing, living up to more than I ever thought I could need. This pregnancy has made us so much closer, thinking that we knew each other as well as we could. His enthusiasm to be a new dad has kept my head up this whole time. We have made a great team and always have a plan, including the hospital tomorrow. That would be my biggest advice, always have a backup plan and make sure you and your partner agree. Before things get hairy. He as proven to be my best friend in all of this.

My fears, hopes and dreams are all on the table. So my judgement day? It will be the most exhilarating day of my life.

"The" Salad

According to the internet and some of my post-pregnancy neighbor moms, there is a restaurant right down the street from my apartment that has a labor inducing salad. It has become one of those Los Angeles urban legends. But many swear that they ate this and within 24 hours were having major labor contractions. Do I believe that balsamic vinegar and olive oil is going to push my pregnancy into high gear? No, not really. But, if something doesn't happen by Wednesday, my doctor is pumping me with labor inducing drugs. As much as I hate salad, I don't like the idea of pitocin even more. Plus, I get a nice date with my husband out of our trip.

We'll have an update soon one way or the other.

And So It Begins.... Almost

I am waiting.....

But not very patiently. I have been walking. I have eaten more pineapple in the last few days that I did all last year. We have had sex, but that is logistically hard to do now that I am so far along (I'm not that big comparatively to most pregnant women, but much bigger comparatively to my own body).

There are a whole slue of things people say you can do to induce labor (red raspberry tea, caster oil, nipple stimulation, cleaning the house, acupressure points). This site says it has 40 different ways, some I have already mentioned--> http://hubpages.com/hub/Ways-to-induce-Labour-Naturally I have not made that big of an effort to try too many things because I don't really need to be in such a hurry. Inducing labor just means lots of pain and crying, even before the baby gets here. I've only tried about 3 things, but I'm also kind of sacred to try too many of the other things. Nature works in its own time and who am I to argue? The baby is healthy and I have had no complications during the last 39 weeks. A few more days can't hurt either of us. My doctor will not let me go too many days pass 41 weeks so even if she is late, it won't be much longer now (sadly I would be induced). I say it will be June 1st, just so I can relax and take all these days off stress free.

I know my body is working well because I have been getting pre-labor pains. What are those you ask? How can you have labor pains before labor? Well, they are the pains you get that are really just a tease. Science says it is to get your body ready for the real thing, but sometimes they hurt. Sometimes you can't tell the difference between the getting-you-ready-for-labor pains and the actual you-are-in-labor-go-to-the-hospital pain. My doctor's advice- lay down and if the contractions are five minutes apart for more than an hour, then you are in real labor. And you should call the hospital. I haven't had that yet. I get one or two really bad contractions, back-to-back, and then they are gone. Funny though, it's usually in my kitchen and I don't know why. My kitchen induces false-labor pains, almost daily, and I'm usually trying to cook in my kitchen. Yeah, so I lay down and just wait them out. Nothing more. Today, I had a lot of contractions and they all happened while I was out walking. Once I got home, showered and started to relax? No pain whatsoever. So no labor yet. But I will keep you posted.

So.....

I started this blog just to keep a log of the crazy and amazing moments of being a new mom. I know I won't have all the answers, but maybe I will give a different perspective. I know that race and income will be thoughts on my mind, because I am one half of an bi-racial couple and don't know if I plan to go back to work after the pregnancy. Also, I'm one of the first in my group of friends to have a baby, so most of the time I have been explaining to them the unpleasantries of growing a new life (not that the life part of it is what's unpleasant). My husband and I have talked for hours about the things we will and won't do in the attempt to raise this child the right way. However, I know, sometimes, you just do what you have to do. There are so many things to look forward to and probably some that will suck, a lot. Believe me, I'll let you know.

Motherhood was not a journey I thought I would take so soon, nor did I think I would be so excited about it (I think some of that is my husband's fault because he is over the moon about being a new dad). So I am overjoyed for you to take this journey with us as we make room in our lives to welcome our new family member.